3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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