my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
