He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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