I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
