i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
