I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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