please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
