is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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