Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
