I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
