sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
