Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
