my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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