I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
