just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
