Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
