i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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