Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
