broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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