We named our party play list daddy issues
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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