if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
