I got chris browned last night
i just had sex bonerless
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
