if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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