I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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