Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
