one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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