I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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