hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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