I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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