he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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