just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
