did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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