Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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