Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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