He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
