Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
