You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
