My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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