I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
