What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
