Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
