Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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