your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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