I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
