Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
