Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
