so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
