im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
