shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
