I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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