sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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