if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
